I NEVER worried about what my daughter, Sophie, got up to on her phone – her older siblings had smartphones and there were never any problems.
What’s more, Sophie’s a good girl and I trusted her. If she was struggling with anything, I felt sure she’d speak to me.
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How wrong was I?
Just before Christmas 2022, I suggested to my husband Steve, 49, a surveyor, that we should probably do a ‘spot check’ of Sophie’s phone.
Steve agreed it was a good idea as she’d seemed a little distant on holiday earlier in the year.
Like many other parents, we felt we didn’t really have a choice when Sophie asked for a smartphone when she started secondary school in September 2021.
All her friends had them and she didn’t want to be the odd one out. So, somewhat reluctantly, my husband and I bought her a Samsung Galaxy A22.
I now realise this was the worst parenting decision I’ve ever made.
We decided to make her hand her phone to us, there and then. She was immediately agitated, but knew she didn’t have a choice.
We knew we’d only have the opportunity to do this once, as she’d then know to start deleting everything.
We immediately found out that Sophie had a secret boyfriend. She’d been spending hours on her phone in her bedroom, sexting a boy from her school.
We had no idea. We found photos that shocked us beyond belief. We felt sick. In them, Sophie was clothed, but they were ‘sexy’ and entirely inappropriate for a 13-year-old.
The boyfriend had been very specific about the pictures he wanted her to send. As if this wasn’t bad enough, we also found messages from another boy in her year who was clearly keen on her and was behaving coercively.
His language was sexually-charged and he said he ‘wanted to go to bed’ with her, because that’s what ‘boys and girls who like each other do’.
He had convinced her to meet him the following day in the local park.
It still feels like a miracle that we checked her phone when we did.
Because who knows what would’ve happened if she’d met up with him. It still sends shivers down my spine.
I think it’s one of the reasons I have avoided watching the Netflix drama, Adolescence, which tells the story of 13-year-old Jamie, played by Owen Cooper, who murders a classmate after being sucked into sinister online forums. The storyline is just too terrifying.
Confronting Sophie was tough.
The next day we found shocking footage on WhatsApp, filmed on school grounds.
Julie Carter
But what I hadn’t predicted was the relief Sophie would feel with her secrets out in the open.
I’m not saying she was blameless, but I could tell from her messages that she was very reluctant with the second boy.
I checked the search history on her phone and she’d Googled: ‘Am I being groomed?’.
Sophie knew it wasn’t right, but she felt she was in too deep.
When I asked her why she didn’t come to me for help, she explained that she tried to stop messaging him. But he’d threatened to kill himself if she didn’t reply. She was frightened and felt trapped.
We’d kept hold of her phone because my husband wasn’t convinced we’d checked everything. He was right.
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The next day, we found shocking footage on WhatsApp, filmed on school grounds, of boys and girls kissing and inappropriately touching.
There were onlookers cheering them on and telling them what to do. It was horrific.
I was now completely out of my depth and went to the school, with Sophie in tow, to report everything we’d seen.
This was a well-to-do grammar school in a nice area and I was convinced I’d get the support I desperately needed – and that action would be taken.
Incredibly, this wasn’t the case.
The school’s response was shocking, and they immediately defended the boys we’d found on Sophie’s phone.
They agreed to tackle the playground kissing and groping, but came very close to putting all the blame on Sophie for the sexting and coercive behaviour.
They clearly didn’t want the boys to be seen as predators and said Sophie had ‘encouraged them’ by messaging back. I was livid – and heartbroken for Sophie.
Things got worse when some parents took the boys’ side too.
Subtle signs
The whole school was gossiping about Sophie and most of her friends ditched her. I remember her saying she was ‘dying of shame’.
She’s a strong girl, but it became too much, so in September 2023, we moved her to a single-sex school, which felt safer.
I fear we now have a situation where boys and girls are treated as equals, by way of political correctness. But that can never work, as they’re simply not the same.
Girls will always be more vulnerable. I realise this is a controversial thing to say, but I believe it to be true. Particularly with the added risks of this digital age we’re in.
With Sophie’s phone gone, her secret boyfriend out of the picture and a new school, we were finally able to move on as a family.
HEALTHIER TECH HABITS FOR TEENS
DAISY Greenwell, Director and co-founder of Smartphone Free Childhood, a movement to change the culture around kids and smartphones, shares her safety tips:
SHARE DEVICES: Instead of giving them their own ipad or laptop, have a family device that everyone shares and that everyone knows the whole family will be looking at. Make sure it stays out of their bedroom.
TALK… THEN BLOCK: If you suspect your child is being exposed to harmful content, don’t be afraid to talk to them about it. Implement stronger parental controls, block apps and limit screen time.
HAVE A WEEKLY TECH DETOX: Have ‘Smartphone Free Sundays’ – a day of rest when they can reset and connect IRL. It benefits the whole family – parents included.
BAN PHONES AT BEDTIME: Create phone-free zones, particularly bedrooms. Alone at night in their bedroom is where kids are most likely to come to harm via their smartphone. Plus it promotes better, deeper sleep.
DELAY UNTIL 14: To swerve smartphones altogether, the SFC’s Parent Pact lets you join a community of parents waiting until at least age 14 to get their child a smartphone. Kids are happier to wait if others are doing the same.
GET A LANDLINE: Consider getting a house phone, like Paloma Faith did for her eight year-old daughter recently. You might even remember the joys of a landline yourself.
OPT FOR A ‘BRICK’ PHONE: Buy a cheap Nokia phone for calls and texts. They’re as little as £11.50 in Argos. And remember, delaying a smartphone doesn’t mean forever. It can simply involve waiting a few more years until your child’s better able to deal with the digital world.
For more info visit smartphonefreechildhood.co.uk
I realise I made mistakes. Giving her a smartphone too soon was one.
And then failing to implement any controls and spyware, because I didn’t think I needed to.
Looking back, I was very slack with the whole phone thing. But I’m not very technical, which isn’t helpful.
I also hadn’t noticed how withdrawn Sophie had become. She’d been showing subtle signs all along – things like being in her bedroom more and talking to us less.
The school’s response was shocking and they immediately defended the boys we’d found on Sophie’s phone.
Julie Carter
Sophie became a different girl when we took her phone away. She confessed she knew immediately that she’d be happier without it.
If she wants to go online, she uses our shared family laptop. She does her homework there too. She’s never said she feels like she’s missing out on anything.
She started reading again and wasn’t rushing her dinner so she could run upstairs to her room to use her phone. It has freed up so much time in her life and she recognises this.
I just hope other mothers can learn from my mistakes.
Resisting a child’s demands for a smartphone will be stressful, for sure, and they may temporarily hate you for it.
But that’s nothing compared to the truly terrifying situations you might find yourselves in further down the line.
- * Names have been changed.
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